Wednesday, February 19, 2014

my left breast

IMG_8161IMG_8153I really don't know where this story begins.

Maybe it started last week when I spent days and days feeling in despair of the world. The dreadful things that people do to each other and to our environment overwhelmed me and dragged me down. I felt hopeless and teary and inadequate.

Perhaps I should have paid more attention to the fact that by the end of last week I was exhausted. It took everything I had to keep going and not to crawl back into bed. I was fitter than I'd been for years yet I felt tireder too. It didn't make much sense.

Maybe overcooking a batch of jam on Saturday morning should have given it all away. Early season blackberry jam is something I can practically make with my eyes closed. Literally. The moment the boiling mixture changes from sugary fruit into jam is something I can usually pick from across the room. I've done it hundreds of times and I don't think I've ever mucked it up before. And then I did.

Or maybe I should have stopped rushing around and spent time in the moment with my body when the left side of my chest started gradually becoming more and more painful as my Saturday progressed.

Very late on Saturday night, when I did finally stop and feel, I found an enormous lump in my left boob. And then I promptly lost it. I'm not sure I have ever been so terrified in my entire life. It felt like a nightmare coming true. I howled. I held myself. I lay in bed all night imagining the worst. Planning for the worst. Dreading the worst.

On Sunday morning as we walked down the hill to my parents' place I tried to fill my farmer boy in on the new plan: he would remarry but would have to make certain his new wife loved our girls before she had her own babies. He wouldn't listen. He wouldn't go there. I couldn't stop going there.

After I showed my parents, we made a plan to start the ball rolling with a visit to the doctor in the morning and then we sat up at the table and chatted and drank peppermint tea and tried to be normal. I have no recollection as to what we spoke about over tea, but there couldn't have been much normal. My stomach was churning, my head hurt from crying, the left side of my chest was in agony and I just wanted to go and hide somewhere dark in a ball and never come out again.

And then we came home and I crawled into bed. And Jazzy and Pepper crawled in with me. And I felt disgusting and terrified and then hot. So hot.

I have never been so happy to discover that I have a high temperature in all my life. All of a sudden there was a possibility that the lump was an infection, that the soreness was due to that infection, that if it was an infection it might not be anything else and that I might possibly be OK. Maybe.

An hour or so later I was ID-braceleted and hooked up to a drip, with a chart on the end of my bed - in hospital. Hospital. While I was there I had my boobs scanned, examined, discussed, measured, drawn on, touched, squeezed and the subject of two separate lessons to two separate surgical classes. And while I was there the red streaks on the outside of my boob slowly disappeared, the swelling went down and the soreness lessened, but the lump remained. Stupid bloody lump!

And while I was there it occurred to me that it wasn't the hospital food, the hospital noisiness and constant interruptions, all the tests or even the squeaky hospital bed that annoyed me most: It was the fact that I had a drip line permanently inserted into my right hand and couldn't crochet, and my eyes hurt and I felt too crappy to read. I was stuck in a bed or a chair next to the bed for three days and all I could do was sit there and stare into space, so sad. Such a waste of precious time. Imagine all the squares I could have made with nothing else to do but sit there and wait.

Eventually on day three, dressed in pyjamas and knee high compression stockings, after my bra had been undone at the back by one surgical student and lifted up at the front for an examination by another, I was told I could leave. There would be a course of antibiotics, there would be follow up appointments, ultrasounds, mammograms and a possible biopsy but in the meantime I could go home.

All the signs are leading to the fact that in the next little while the lump will clear up and go away. All the signs are looking more like an infection and less like cancer. But luckily for us, all breast lumps in Australia are treated seriously and suspiciously and this particular story wont be over until it is 100% clear and over.

In the meantime I'm just feeling overwhelmingly grateful. For home, for farmer Bren and my girls, for my parents and sisters, for family, for the best friends, for the medical/health system, for the kitchen garden, for my comfy bed, for the storm outside, for my life.

xx

155 comments:

  1. Oh Kate, I read this post with my heart in my mouth. I have my fingers and toes crossed for you that the lump does turn out to be nothing but please make sure you get completely checked out. I was diagnosed with cancer in my left breast last year. Don't ignore anything, and make sure you are comfortable with what the doctors are telling you.

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  2. It's a terrifying thing, coming face to face with your own mortality. I had a similar experience when my youngest was 3 months old, I developed a large lump and carcinoma was mentioned as a possibility, at which point I completely lost it as well. Luckily for me it turned out to be an infected/ blocked milk duct so a happy ending for me. Glad to hear yours will likely be the same. It's a wake up call though and a good reason to get checked regularly. Wishing you a speedy recovery xx

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  3. Oh, dear lady. How very scary for you all. Sending big hugs and I hope it turns out to be just an infection. xxx

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  4. Sending you a huge hug. A hug on your right side, nowhere near your pesky left breast.

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  5. Goodness...what an ordeal. Sending you a whole bunch of happy, healing vibes. I have my fingers and toes crossed for you. Take care. xx

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  6. Bless you love, it sounds like you truly have been through the mill, so many emotions must have past through you
    I cannot know how you feel, but it all now sounds a lot more hopeful
    Thinking of you
    Thea xx

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  7. I read this with my heart in my mouth too Kate...take care, sending you all the strength I could possible muster xx

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  8. Holy crap Kate.... you would not believe this, but just this Tuesday night I baked us a "I don't have Cancer" Chocolate Tart - so I know what you've just gone thru - did it all myself! I'm still on a high & have re-evaluated everything in my life!
    Hugs!

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  9. oh Kate. what a horrible, frightening time. I pray with all my heart that it is nothing for you to worry about. I hope you're drifting off into a deep and restful sleep with this beautiful rain pouring down..all my love xx

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  10. Hey Kate, how scary for you! wishing you all the best for a speedy and full recovery, it's fantastic how quickly they can deal with these things now! Lot's of positve vibes going your way! Julie xxx

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  11. Fingers and toes and eyes crossed for a speedy recovery, lady. Have been thinking of you LOTS. x

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  12. such a scary thing! Bless you as your body heals and as you rest (and crochet).

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  13. I hope you're feeling better and that you get the all clear soon. The possibility of big illness is so terrifying especially when you have kids.
    So good to hear you took it seriously and got it checked quickly!

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  14. I had a weird bout of unexplained mastitis a few years back and it was horrendous and the swelling did take ages to go down, so try not to worry too much. And look after yourself sweetie, now when you've had such a fright and felt so ill more than ever x

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  15. So scary, glad to hear you're feeling better...hope the all clear comes soon. X

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  16. And a timely reminder to everyone to have a feel up of their boobs. Isn't it odd to be saying Phew, just a big fat infection - nothing serious!!!

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  17. Oh Kate. Sorry you had to go through this. But thank you very much for sharing your story. I'm certain there's many others like me who read this and thought - I really should get around to booking a very very overdue womens health check. Wishing you a speedy recovery and a calm mind. xx

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  18. Hi Kate, I have only this week found a lump in my left breast. I had a mammogram, biopsy and ultrasound this afternoon...I would be grateful to get a temperature tonight and find out I have an infection. I hope that we can both find out this is the case. I am trying to remember to follow the process and dont assume the worst but I am ready to fight like hell if it is. Best of luck to you, I look forward to positive results for us both.

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  19. Gosh, that must have been awful to go through. Thank goodness for all the rocks and loves in your life. Take care and speedy recovery xxx

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  20. My dear Kate, i have some tears in my eyes while reading your feelings. I was diagnosed in 2008 and i send you a BIG HUG and want to say: worry, cry, have all the feelings you have, and never ever think that you are wrong. You are only wrong when the doctors say it´s not cancer. Until this moment you are a human being and it´s naturally to feel this way and to have thousands of pictures in your head. But i also want to say: never! ever! give up, gal. There is a way to live with cancer and the survivor forecasts are in 2014 better than ever !!! And now i cross all i have for you♥♥♥
    XO, Martina

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  21. I was holding my breath the whole time I was reading your post..... I can't imagine how scary that was for you. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I have been meaning to schedule a breast exam for awhile and you have given me the kick up the bum I needed. Sending all my love, blessings and good wishes to you a thousand million times over xxxx

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  22. Oh that sounds so awful! Hope you're feeling better really soon and all is well again. xox

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  23. uhh! your post made me gasp. I'd stopped blogging because life had seemed to be too full of things too terrible to share,and have just just started again now the coast is clear-ish. You have reminded me just how important it is to stay honest and keep going. So very generous. Sending love. Charlotte

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  24. Oh! My heart and tummy and everything jumped at this heading.
    Hope the lump goes away. Hope your doctors are great

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  25. You have so eloquently expressed your concerns and fears on paper that so many women go through. Trusting your infection disappears soon and you find your feet and balance for life again .It makes you grateful that we have a health system that is reliable and complete with all the bibs and bobs that make diagnosis easier, sad in a way that we become guinea pigs to education for the benefit of all in the end but invasive all the same. happy hooking now you are unattached from you pole!

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  26. ...hope you have a crochet hook in your hand by now.
    Lots of love from South Africa.

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  27. Oh, crap, crap, crap (The words that I am actually thinking aren't printable so I will go with crap)

    All my love and positive thoughts to you, Kate. It sounds like things will likely be OK but the fear and worry that you are enduring in the meantime is just so draining and awful. Bloody cancer.

    xxx

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  28. I have never posted before but I had to let you know that I am sending you (and the other women who posted comments) healing thoughts and love all the way from Canada.....

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  29. Oh what an awful ordeal for you...praying that it will be all cleared and you can go back to,living your life with your beautiful family. Xxx

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  30. I was only thinking today " hhmmmm been a while since Kate has posted anything on her blog or IG". I thought maybe you'd gone away for a few days but when I seen the title of this my breath stopped. I thought " no, no this cannot happen." So sending all the love to you dear lady & hoping for a positive result- it's not often you wish for an infected boob but that's what I'm hoping for you xxx

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  31. I wish you all the possible good luck! I know the feeling quite well, only I had to go all the way through radio and chemo; but I still got a happy end! Now I´m thankful and live each of my days so fully as I´ve never before.
    I will cross all my fingers (and toes) for you!!

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  32. it does sound like mastitis, with the temperature as well. The breast represent nourishment, in so may ways. But more importantly it's self-nourishment which needs to happen. If I have any tender boobs I always think okay, time to look after me now. I really hope you are finding that for yourself, and wish you all the best of love and support, Heather x

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  33. Dear Kate,

    I had a similar scare, but in another part of my body, three months after my youngest child was born. The feelings of utter panic and fear you describe so well are the worst. But the relief when you get the all clear is just amazing. There is a French nursery rhyme about a lizard who climbs up a wall and suddently falls into a barrel of water. The final words of the rhyme, roughtly translated, are: Life! What utter bliss, after having had such a fright.

    So, so true.

    Stephanie

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  34. My hair on my neck was standing up reading your post. Fingers crossed for you!!!!!

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  35. :( So sorry to read this! As we say in the southern U.S., bless your heart! I wish I could give you a hug or have kept you company in the hospital at least. Praying this is an infection that goes away quickly.

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  36. I know how you feel, I had a similar scare, there is a lot to be said for family love and positive thinking. Good thoughts coming towards you from NY

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  37. oh goodnesss....i'm so sorry. prayers for you and your sweet ones.

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  38. I got really scared when I read the title! Feeling quite relieved that the outview looks much better now! Feel hugged from the other side of the world!
    Take care, Anne

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  39. I'm so sorry Kate to hear you had such a scare, sending you a gentle hug and hoping all is well, take good care xx

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  40. The title said it all!
    I cried as I read it and still crying .. with you,for you., for all of us women/men/ people who feel suddenly their frailties, their humanity and mortality.
    Big heartfelt hugs to you and all others who need holding and comfort and reassurance.

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  41. oh truly, truly awful and so blooming scary. i went through the lump finding last year, unlike you i just had a lump.
    the fear is nothing that i have ever felt before or since, the constant whirring of my mind as i tried to put all our lives in to suitably organised boxes and lists {endless lists} for the time when i would no longer be there.
    like you i am hugely in awe and thankful to our healthcare system that found me an appointment within days, i was treated so gently and not just as yet another scared breast patient.
    i was given the all clear but the fear remains. it always will.
    i send you so much gentle wishes and hope that you find a way through this with the amazing sounding support network you have round you.
    all will be well xx

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  42. What a horrible ordeal you've been through. So glad you're surrounded by love and support and that the infection is sorted out. Can't wait to hear your "all clear" news.
    Look after you.
    Andi xxx

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  43. I have no words, I can't imagine... Go gently, dear woman. Love and light xx

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  44. Oh dear, what a scary thing to go through! It brings things to perspective pretty quickly. Love to you and yours.

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  45. As a two-time survivor of breast cancer, I relate to the agony of finding something, not knowing and being at the mercy of every person who needs to touch you, violate you, treat you as an "interesting case". The little girl in us quickly rises to the top and there is no place to run and hide. Big girl panties pulled on...we face it squarely and shudder within. I'm soooooo sorry you've been enduring the horrors...your eloquent words above give such clarity to the numbness that encompasses our bodies in times like this! That scene around the table with peppermint tea...oh dear...yes...yes..Y-E-S. No idea what was said...Y-E-S! I always go back to the first diagnosis and tell folks who want to listen that it was that day - at age 35 - my innocence was ripped from me. Until that day, I was able to think that bad things only happened to other people and that the "c" word would never happen to me. After that day, life changed. But, some twenty years later, I can tell you it changed for the better. I learned to live. Truly. Live. Life. Feel it. Be present in it. Love deeply. And it sounds like your experience has already changed you. You've had an awakening. A terrible startling awakening. May it just be an infection - and may you be able to return to life as you know it...but take with you the lesson of the awakening. It's all so precious...and so fleeting. Be blessed and be well. Thank you for sharing your experience here...it reminds me to be grateful and present in the now. Hugs, Annette

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    1. Hi Petunia Pill, I replied to Kate above about the lump I found in my left breast last week. I found out about 3 hours ago that I have breast cancer confirmed by a biopsy taken late yesterday afternoon. I wanted to let you know that your story gave me a boost amongst my tears tonight...I am numb and terrified all at once but the big girls panties are out and ready to go. Surgery will happen, then chemo but in the years to come I look forward to being called a cancer survivor. Best wishes Nicole

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    2. Hi Nicole, So sorry to hear your news. I wanted to let you know that you may feel all alone but you are not. Please remember that there are people out there rooting for you. After reading your blog I think you are a very strong woman. Best of luck. Sandy in West Vancouver, BC.

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    3. Nicole, I also wanted to send you a little beam of well-wishes at this terrifying time. Be strong but allow yourself to be weak too. You have done the right thing; you found the lump, you sought medical advice quickly and you are responding appropriately. Don't be afraid to ask questions and talk to your doctors about what is happening as you go through this process. Keep providing feedback. One of the most valuable things I learned whilst working in a hospital was a comment from an exceptional cancer-specialist Pharmacist who gave a lecture on patient support during radiation and chemotherapy. Her take home message was that most people have a pre-formulated idea of what to expect during treatment and it is based on the experiences they have heard throughout their lives- often negative ones. Chemotherapy is becoming better and more targeted with fewer side effects and if patients are encouraged to feedback to medical staff about their pain and nausea levels then there are many many options to make the experience far less physically (and to some degree emotionally) painful. I wrote this last month: http://seekingvictory.blogspot.com.au/2014/01/the-booby-monster.html
      It may or may not be helpful to you but I imagine you are probably reading lots of stuff at the moment and it may just provide another perspective on surgery.
      My thoughts are with you.
      Nicole

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  46. Sheesh what an awful fright. So glad you got some good care & really hoping for you it's just an infection that will clear right up for you& all other tests will be all clear. Keeping you in my thoughts. Xx

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  47. oh my, I'm now just shivering with goosebumps, what a worrisome time. Kate, I am sending out positive thoughts to you around the world, Ease into this enforced rest period gently, you are being told to lie fallow for a while, so try see it as a restorative, necessary, spiritual time of healing. Heal well. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  48. Oh my. What a horrible ordeal. I'm so glad you're okay and that it's hopefully just an infection. My sister-in-law just found out last week that she has breast cancer, but it's very tiny. At best she'll have to go through radiation and medication... at worst a mastectomy and hysterectomy depending on the results of a gene test. But she's not in danger of dying. So we're all a bit on edge right now. No fun. Sending you hugs and love and good thoughts, Cyndi / elf_girl

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  49. Oh Kate ... teary, heartfelt, massive hug to you. Nic xxxxx

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  50. sending loads of love and healing thoughts your way, flick <3

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  51. You poor darling. What a terrible thing to happen. I hope that it's just an infection and clears up quickly - it certainly doesn't sound like typical breast cancer (my sister was diagnosed two years ago), but even if it is, remember that in the vast, vast majority of cases it is curable these days. But it's still a terrible thing to have to go through, and I'm sending my best wishes in your direction.

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  52. It sounds terrifying, I do hope everything is healed very soon. Sending you my very best wishes and a big cyber hug, CJ xx

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  53. Oh Kate I am sending you a big hug and hope that the results are all good. It must be so scary for you at the moment. I had a lump under my arm at the end of last year and was so worried about it. Apparently after you turn 40 your body decides to do crappy things to scare you. I had a course of tablets to take and it shrunk and finally disappeared thank goodness but it did make me worry a lot. I hope that the blanket above is helping you to relax and take some time to just rest. Thinking of you xoxox

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  54. Crossing fingers all is ok very very soon. I hate that feeling of anxiety and immediately thinking the worst every time something happens. I hope the rest of the week is very calm and quite boring. x

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  55. My dearest Kate, I seriously just had the biggest lump in my throat reading your email. I for one would have been right there with you with thinking the worst and planning the worst. Jesus what scare! Seriously sometimes somethings just shakes you to the core but you're one brave lady. Time for loads of positive thoughts, get well soon and sending you all the biggest hug. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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  56. I agree. I wish everyone in the world would stop doing such horrible things to each other. Lumps in the boon are never good. I'm so glad yours was of the less serious variety. Get well soon.

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  57. Still sending healing vibes and mental cups of tea. Hang in there, beautiful x

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  58. Wishing you all the best with this. I love your rug. xxoo

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  59. What an ordeal! I hope it is all just "one of those things" that will sort itself out. In the meantime, rest a lot and try not to worry (easy for me to say, I know).
    All the best <3

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  60. I am speechless...I am deeply sorry for this shocking revelation and I am praying for the best out come.

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  61. Oh hell!!! Take care of yourself ..... Thinking of you all.

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  62. Hopefully everything will be fine with you. My younger sister was diagnosed last week and will be having surgery next week. We are all in shock as there is no history is our family and my sister is a picture of health and only has a couple of days off work each year as she never gets sick and for what it's worth doesn't look sick. Found a lump under her arm and then the tests found the lump in her breast. Say a few prayers. Regards Kathy A, Brisbane

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    1. I'm so sorry to hear about your sister Kathy. I really hope her surgery goes well and they can remove it all x

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    2. Praying for your sister, Kathy, and for you.

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    3. Lots of love to you and your sister Kathy.
      I can only imagine.
      xx

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  63. Just sending lots of warm thoughts and care for all that you're going through. Much strength ...

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  64. That is so terrifying. Thank goodness for family and first world healthcare. My thoughts and good wishes are with you

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  65. Wow, I'm speechless after reading this. This just goes to show how life can be seriously short, and scary. We really do need to make the most out of everything day by day. I really do hope it's just an infection, and nothing more. My blessings are with you, and family.

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  66. Oh my goodness Kate!!! How scary to go through that these past few days and what a relief it is just an infection. My mind goes to terrible places over a simple headache sometimes so I can only imagine what a lump somewhere would do to me. Look after yourself lovely one and I'm thinking of you. Mel xxx

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  67. That was really scary Kate, i am sire glad and relieved to hear the end wasn't the dreaded.. Take great care. Sometimes fears are good. It reminds us to be grateful for what we have.

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  68. I send love to you. And hope for a clear bill of health. And more love.

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  69. How horrible and scary for you. I hope your tests give you the all clear and you can get some much needed rest in the meantime x

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  70. Oh Kate - so sorry to hear you haven't been well at all! Fingers crossed that you get the all clear soon! In the meantime enjoy the gratefulness!

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  71. I'm so sorry you've been through this scary time.
    I hope it is just an infection. I've been through something similar when we were in NSW,
    and just remember them saying at the start - that because there is pain, it is less likely to
    be cancer. And they were right. Much much love to you my gorgeous friend. XXXXJ

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  72. With Love from all your friends may the fear go away and happiness return. Thinking of you and wishing for the very best outcome. Hugs x

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  73. What an ordeal for you Kate. Hope you are feeling completely better, and that all your results are good. XO

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  74. Thinking of you Kate, what a damn scary experience. Wishing you and yours health and happiness xxx

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  75. Sending love, hugs & the warmest of good wishes. Xxxx

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  76. I send you all my good wishes and a big hug! Jutta

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  77. My heart goes out to you and your family. Take care x

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  78. Oh, you poor thing. Thanks for being brave enough to share this. Sending much much love from England, and hoping for a clean bill of health, hope everyone is looking after you well, am sure they are! Love Sonya xxx

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  79. So glad to hear things are looking up....such a traumatic time for you and your family Kate...thinking of you.
    Jacquie x

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  80. Oh Kate, I'm so glad to hear it's all looking positive. What a scary and completely unsettling time for you. Wishing you health and healing and sunshine. And lots of time for crochet. xxoo

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  81. Sending huge amounts of healing light and love. You'll be back crocheting again in no time!!! xxx

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  82. What a scare Kate! I hope hope hope you are okay. x

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  83. Oh Kate! I held my breath the whole time I was reading this..sending you much love and hugs xxx

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  84. Sending you much love and healthy vibes Kate. xxxx

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  85. My gosh, how terrifying. Keep well!

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  86. My love to you, darl, and all the best wishes. xxxx

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  87. Oh my! Thoughts and prayers are being sent your way. What a beautifully expressive post, deep with real life fear and so much more. Thankyou for your genuine honesty. Not many aussie girls share that stuff. I, like so many others, was crying before the end of the first para. May you have a speedy recovery.

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  88. how well I remember that scary time of finding a lump - let assure you that even if it is the worst type of lump, it is a rocky road that can be overcome - I am living proof and have been now for 8 years. I'm sure if will be a lesser type of lump and you will be fine. Gentle hugs for you from me..

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  89. Such a frank account, beautifully written. Sending healthy and happy vibes along to you and your family!

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  90. Sending my love...thank you for sharing a difficult time....hope you feel better soon.
    Amanda xxx

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  91. This comes at a very appropriate time, but my post would be "My Right Breast". My little babe is 16 months old and I am still breast feeding. I haven't had any problems in the past, but now seem to have a very infected painful boob. Just woke up now feeling awful and am waiting for the doctor's office to open so I can hopefully get some antibiotics for a simple infection. So sorry that you're going through such a traumatic experience - will be sending positive thoughts your way.

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  92. Oh I had to skip right through to the end my first time through to make sure you were ok! How scary for you and your family... how lucky we are to live in Australia with such an amazing and affordable medical system. Wishing you all the very best. xx

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  93. Kate, bless your heart, such a tough thing to go through. You are in my thoughts and prayers for a speedy recovery and all good news.
    Meredith

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  94. Oh my, that's truly horrifying. I can appreciate everything you went through and pray that it will never be anything more than a 'mere lump'. Thank goodness you are surrounded with your loving family, that's the most important thing of all.

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  95. Sending lots of healing thoughts. Stay strong :)

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  96. Kate, I am so sorry you have had to go through such an ordeal. I, like everyone else, practically held my breath until I read to the end of your post. It sounds like Australia is very proactive in women's health; here in the U.S. it can be ''hit or miss'', depending upon so many variables. I actually had to smile a bit when I read of your right hand being a ''hostage'' to your I.V. line. I became disabled at age 39 & now at 58 am the veteran of numerous surgeries, & I've learned to always request the I.V. be put in the left hand! :-) Please know you are in my heart & in my prayers. <3 Love from Lisa in Oregon

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  97. Oh,I read this post with my heart beating so fast,I'm sure I missed something trying to get to the bottom.I hope you/family are ok! Praying for you,myself and all of us.Your blog friend.

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  98. Dearest Kate, I can't even imagine how hard that must have been to write - let alone experience. All my prayers, thoughts and love goes out to you and your family. You're so brave to have shared this with your blogging family, fingers crossed xo

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  99. Oh Kate how awful for you. Just read this and feel very emotional just imaging it. Everything crossed for a speedy recovery x

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  100. What a frightening time for you, Kate. It sounds like it's all going to be OK, Kate. My prayers are with you x

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  101. Sending you lots of positive beams...... good luck.... hope you have managed a spot with a view to crochet a few more squares in the last few days, crafty meditation. Cxx

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  102. Oh Kate what a scary time - I am so happy you have fabulous family and friends to lea on.. Wishing you deep down peace and wellness xxxx

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  103. Oh Kate...was it just a coincidence I looked at your blog today for the first time in forever?? I am so relieved that it looks like an infection. My goodness I know how you have felt the last week and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. The not knowing is the worst and your imagination just runs wild with horrible thoughts. I hope you're starting to feel better. Thinking of you xxx

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  104. Sending you so much love, Kate. I read your post with tears in my eyes. I'm so relieved it's an infection and that it was dealt with so quickly. And how lovely of you to let the medical students learn from you and thus giving back to anyone it may happen to in the future - I loved that. Even when you were at your lowest you were still giving :) I felt your anxiety at not being able to crochet too! I'd be the same ;) Can't imagine a world where I wasn't able to crochet! haha Take good care hon and hugs to all the family too. Did you tell the girls? I hope they're okay now. Kx

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  105. Thank you for sharing this Kate. I know it can't have been an easy post to write but sometimes we all need painful reminders to look after ourselves and listen to our bodies. It is a funny day for me to read this as I was told this morning that I will need to get a mole removed from my lip. That mole has been there for as long as I remember and never given me any problems. I think I am more scared of the surgery and the scarring than the mole :(

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  106. Oh gosh I am holding my breath - take care and I hope all turns out well.

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  107. Hugs Kate, wishing you a speedy recovery xxx

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  108. oh jeeeeeeeeez! what a stressful shitty thing to happen/be happening!
    i hope all signs keep pointing to infection and you're right as rain again soon!
    xo

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  109. What a terrible, terrible worry for you. I've never wished an infection on anybody before but I'm doing just that now.

    Heather x

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  110. Sending love, the Australian service certainly appears much quicker than here in the UK x

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  111. I haven't stopped thinking of you and your family since I read this. Just wanted to send you love and light. To tell you to allow how ever you feel to 'be' and not judge or box any of those feelings, or try to be anything other than where you are at. You gave voice to how I felt seven years ago when diagnosed with Cardiomyopathy with a 10 day old new born in my arms. Luckily it resolved within a year and life slowly returned to normal. Facing mortality is full of blessings and fears. Go gently and hug that farmer boy of yours and those precious girls too. xx Lisa and Matilda

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  112. thats really scary.Sending you all the best wishes to get well very soon.

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  113. Phew. Oh my. Joining my voice in the chorus of voices wishing you all the best and thanking the stars that the worst case scenario was only the place your mind takes you and not reality. xx

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  114. Oh Kate, how frightening for you, even with the support of your lovely family! Positive thoughts and hugs, Jak x

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  115. oh dear Kate, what a frightening ordeal for you, and yours. I wish you a speedy recovery and the best of health. Jane x

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  116. Oh Kate! I haven't been over here for a visit in a good long time and I just don't know what to say!!! I am crossing everything I can cross that it just turns out to be an infection and that it clears up really quickly! I have tears in my eyes for you and am just so glad that you have all those things to love and the love you get in return... a strong support system indeed! Keep us posted and although I'm not a religious person I am sending healing thoughts and prayers your way my dear friend!!!
    Hugs from New Hampshire USA,
    Beth P

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  117. Good on you for talking about this. I think we all need a reminder to look after ourselves (including more specific things like breast self-examinations) more often. I hope you heal quickly and I hope that those reading your post learn from it. (I had a similar experience recently too http://seekingvictory.blogspot.com.au/2014/01/the-booby-monster.html )

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  118. My thoughts are with you Kate. My sister was diagnosed with breast cancer at the end of last year, had surgery and has one more chemo treatment to go before beginning radiation. I really hope yours clears up and is nothing serious. xx

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  119. How terrifying for you. That kind of thing is my worst nightmare. So pleased turned out to be just an infection, and hope the results come back clear xx

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  120. Oh my goodness. So thankful that you had to "waste" that time... youre body and mind is screaming at you to take a rest. Listen. So glad that it may very well be an infection, you'll be in my thoughts until you get the all clear. Take care and slow down for a while.

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  121. I've been thinking of you Kate. I hope it is 'just' an infection and that you're feeling much better now. Take care. fiona x

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  122. Here's hoping the antibiotics do their thing and you are fighting fit in no time. As for the boob - there's nothing worse. The worry, the what ifs, the widower, the kids. I recently had a similar thing, mammogram and the all clear and a huge weight off my mind. Here's hoping the load will lift for you soon too.

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  123. Hope everything is settling down for you and the horrible fright has passed. I had a melanoma removed in October and while the surgery was not a walk in the park ( 40 stitches overnight in hospital couldn't walk for a week) the terrifying part was the days waiting for the results and imagining the worst. It has given mea profound sense of not wasting a single second of this life and making memories for my children. Take care of yourself. Mel x

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  124. Kate, my thoughts are with you. Take care of you.
    Lots of love and hugs,
    Anne xx

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  125. Glad to hear you are ok. I had a similar situation last year, it stops you in your tracks, and you start rethinking a few things. And I like to think it puts it all in perspective, and i think we get a second chance to put all the important things first...The love for our family and friends, and everything else comes second. Take care. xxx

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  126. HUGS to you dear Kate. I can't even imagine the worry, fear and disbelief of what you went through. I'm so glad you are at home and okay. Sending you many prayers and hugs xoxo

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  127. I'm so happy for you that it wasn't the worsted...the thing that you're afraid of. You are not the only one who worry's about such a thing! I think every woman especially when she has children is worried when one discover something like that. I'm happy for you!!!! (ps. my english is not always as accurate as it should be, sorry for that)

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  128. Dear Kate - what an awful scary time you've. The wait for results must feel like a torturous eternity. It sounds like it'll all be ok (?) - hope you've got the all clear now and are enjoying a newfound zest for life.

    rachel xoxo

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  129. Sending lots of love and hopeful thoughts. Karen xxxx

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  130. Dear Kate, sending you hopeful, positive thoughts. Take care wrapped in the arms of loved ones.

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  131. Dear Kate, sending you hopeful, positive thoughts. Take care wrapped in the arms of loved ones.

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  133. Sounds so terrible. I hope it is all well now and the lump has cleared out. It miust have been very frightening for you. Hugs.

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Kate XX

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